Mission Accomplished
by Kinker
Summary: Squall and Yuna are forced to work together, if only for a while. And why can't LeBlanc butt out for once? Sigh, fangirls never get old. Cute amusing tale, rated PG-13 for language and incredibly MELLOW yaoi at the end (I hate to spoil the ending, but pe


TITLE:  
  
Mission accomplished//  
  
SUMMARY:  
  
Squall Leonhart must team up with Yuna to do a VERY IMPORTANT MISSION (ha, you wish, folks). And it involves a blonde, pink-clad girl that no one can remember the name to.   
  
Aeris: WHAT? I am NOT blonde!  
  
But it's not Aeris.  
  
Aeris: It BETTER not be...  
  
I'm sure it was some stupid French name...  
  
TOURNAMENT START... wait, that's Tekken. Sorry.  
  
  
  
  
  
////So it begins. In Spira, Yuna is speaking with her Uncle Cid aboard the Airship, about her current mission. Well, okay. Fine. "Speaking" is too kind a word.  
  
Yuna: $@#%@#%@$!  
  
////Because she just got assigned a joint-job. And not just any joint-job. A CLEAN-UP joint-job.   
  
Yuna: #@$@#%!$!#!!!!   
  
////Needless to say. Yuna is not a happy creature.  
  
Yuna: BLAST it, Rikku!! Must you record EVERYTHING in that thing?  
  
Rikku: Sorry! Uhm, ////Rikku signing off! .... Sorry, Yuna.  
  
Yuna: WHY did you GIVE her that thing for Christmas, Uncle?  
  
Cid: I'm regretting it, too, you know.  
  
Yuna: Oh my FAYTH!  
  
[Swish. The doors open and Paine comes in, a worried expression on her face. Too bad the tone doesn't match the face, because she has a hard time expressing GENUINE concern.]  
  
Paine: *blunt* What's wrong now?  
  
Yuna: I gotta mission. A stupid mission.  
  
Paine: And....?  
  
Rikku: She gets to work with SeeD!!  
  
[The expression that shadowed Paine's face was one of pure hatred.]  
  
Paine: *darkly* Oh, do I feel sorry for you.   
  
Yuna: *rage* And that's not the worst of it. I get to work with the most anti-social, taciturn, egotistical SeeD there is.  
  
Paine: You mean...?  
  
Yuna: YES. He is--  
  
***  
  
SQUALL LEONHART!  
  
Squall: Da FUCK?!!!  
  
[someone has barged into his room and snatched the headphones off his ears. None other than the loudest of all SeeDs, Zell Dincht.]  
  
Squall: What are you DOING in here?!!  
  
Zell: DUDE! You're supposed to be at the port in 1600! And now it's 1530! Hurry UP, man!   
  
Squall: Fucker! I was comfortable. STOP YELLING AT ME.  
  
Zell: Did you hear me?  
  
Squall: Of COURSE I heard you, ass! I should get you for this.  
  
Zell: *sneer* What's Riona gonna do? Hit me with her pom-poms?  
  
[Squall is not happy with the fact that Balamb Garden has CHEERLEADERS now. Nor is he happy with the fact that he's DATING a cheerleader]  
  
Squall: *sarcasm* Remind me to break up with her.  
  
[Zell is knocked to the floor as Squall swings his legs over to the side of his bed. A careless glance at the direction of the desk reveals a clean-typed Mission Request.]  
  
Squall: I thought it said, "REQUEST"?  
  
Zell: You know how the Committee likes to makes things sound important. Actually... those things are more like orders.   
  
Squall: *snarl* I'll kill Quistis for this.  
  
Zell: Hey! It's not her fault.  
  
Squall: Why didn't they give her back that Instructor position? She was much more tolerable then...  
  
Zell: [shrugs] Hey... [looks at Squall] You can't go out dressed like THAT? Hurry up and get dressed. It's... 1535 now.  
  
Squall: [mumble] Fucker.  
  
Zell: What are you--- UMPH!  
  
[Squall had taken off his 3-week-old ZERO tee shirt, and then his pants. Practically naked, he rampages through his closet while Zell fights to breathe]  
  
Zell: $#%#$%@#%@$@! I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL CLOTHES RACK!  
  
Squall: Then shut up.  
  
[Zell manages to get the shirt off from around his neck and face. The first thing he sees is Squall smiling evilly at him.]  
  
Squall: Here... hold this. [hangs a thong on top Zell's nose]  
  
Zell: Thank God this is clean...  
  
Seifer: YO! SQUALLY!  
  
Squall: DON'T CALL ME-- oh, Lord, not you too.  
  
Seifer: Just came by to--- Uhm. Am I interrupting something?  
  
[Seifer stands by the doorway to Squall's dorm, taking in the picture of a Pantless Squall and Zell holding various articles of clothing. Let's not forget the THONG on his nose.]  
  
Zell: It's not what you think.  
  
Seifer: Whatever. As long as you keep those briefs on, Squall.  
  
Squall: You know you wanna--  
  
Quistis: SQUALL!  
  
Squall: -- me? ...Oh NO.  
  
[Yes. Ms. Trepe pokes her head in...]  
  
Quistis: Squall there is a very special job we at the committee would like you to oh my god what the fuck is going on? This isn't time for a strip show! Almasy? What are you doing you are supposed to be in the training center Dincht you left your pupils stranded in the library---  
  
Squall: [to Zell] See what I mean?  
  
Zell: Wow. Bitch.  
  
Seifer: She was always the same to me.  
  
Quistis: What the fu--  
  
Riona: [distant] Squally!  
  
Squall: I can see where this is going. That's IT. Everyone OUT!  
  
Quistis: But the--  
  
Squall: I freakin' KNOW! Can't a man get dressed around here without all of Garden watching?  
  
Zell: Actually, there's a Web cam right--  
  
Squall: SHUT THE FUCK UP. GET OUT! NOW!  
  
[Everyone clears the room, except for Zell, who had to be thrown out.]  
  
Squall: Damn, you call yourself a Martial Art Specialist? I weigh 40 pounds less than you and you manage to fly like a rag doll anyway.  
  
Zell: [before he can stop himself] Only with you, Squall.  
  
[crickets]  
  
Squall: I shall pretend I didn't hear that.  
  
[SLAM Goes his door. Everyone stares at Zell.]  
  
Zell: What?!  
  
Quistis: [coughs] Erm, whatever. ....Why was Squall so mad?  
  
Seifer: You would, too, if you had to work with those Spira nuts.  
  
Quistis: .......  
  
Zell: Oh, poor thing...  
  
[Riona runs up to the gang, panting, with Selphie right behind her. She is wearing the Balamb Cheer halter with the Balamb Cheer miniskirt. Let's not forget the Balamb Cheer socks and the Balamb Cheer shoes. Hell, there are even Balamb Cheer ribbons dancing in her hair, and Balamb Cheer shoelaces. But that's enough of that... I'm getting sick.]  
  
Seifer: DAMN. No wonder Squall won't be seen with you anymore...  
  
Riona: SHUT. UP. [pant pant] What.... did.... I.... miss?  
  
***  
  
Sometime later... at 1750, to be exact.  
  
////In the beautiful streets of Beville, at dusk, we sit and wait for the SeeD known as Squall Leonhart. ...  
  
Yuna: *warning* Rikku...  
  
Rikku: ////*click* ...Sorry.   
  
Yuna: BLAST.  
  
Rikku: Is it really that bad?  
  
Yuna: YES!  
  
Paine: I heard that the SeeDs of Balamb have full-length mirrors in their dorm rooms. What the hell would you need all that glass for?  
  
Rikku: I'm sure it's for all the shiny buttons and thingamadoos they got in their uniforms.  
  
Yuna: [to no one in particular] I'm sure you've just read that somewhere.  
  
Paine: Here he comes...  
  
[Squall steps out of the shadows and into the view of the Spira Trio. He does his nonchalant wave, and walks on over.]  
  
Rikku: Hiya, Squall! How'dya get here so fast?   
  
Squall: [knee-jerk] Don't ask.  
  
Rikku: Oh, okay.  
  
Squall: *listless* Yuna, Rikku, Paine. My team-mates for the night.  
  
Yuna: Nah. It's just me. Shall we get going? I know where the Calm Lands are.  
  
Squall: You should. You're a native.  
  
Yuna: *annoyed* Are you always this--  
  
Squall: ANAL? Yup.  
  
Paine: [jumping in] Didn't being with Riona teach you anything?  
  
Squall: Riona's a freakin' CHEERLEADER now. She's a FLAKE.  
  
[Silence]  
  
Paine: [defeated] Well, that shut ME up.  
  
Rikku: [jumping in] *bubbly* Hiya Squall! Looks like we got off on the wrong foot! I'm Rikku!  
  
Squall: *uncomfortable* Erm, Hi?  
  
Rikku: I'm good with machines!!  
  
Squall: So is a friend of mine, Zell.  
  
Rikku: What kind of name is Zell?  
  
Squall: A goofy one, if you ask me.  
  
Paine: [glare] You two seem to be hitting it off... and the REST of us?!  
  
Rikku: Oh. Sorry. This is Paine. The Cynic.  
  
Squall: Do you know what I noticed? We--  
  
Paine: *deadly* Don't you DARE say it.  
  
Squall: Sorry.  
  
Yuna: *impatient* Can we GO now? I wanna get this over with.  
  
Squall: I'm not as happy about it as you are. I'm LESS happy about it than you are.   
  
Rikku: Is that why you're procrastinating?  
  
Paine: I see a major difference already.  
  
Yuna: *really impatient* ENOUGH. We'll see you later.  
  
[Yuna grabs Squall and begins to pull him toward Calm Lands.]  
  
Rikku: Bye! Nice meeting you!! You know what I noticed, Paine? You--  
  
Paine: Do NOT say ANYTHING about it. Or I'll KILL YOU. You got that?!  
  
Rikku: [gulp]  
  
***  
  
Yuna: [narrating] The Calm Lands. Used to be a very beautiful place. Now we're digging out all the machina in order to--  
  
Squall: "--turn Spira into the prosperous world it once was, long ago." I read the brochure.  
  
Yuna: [Glare] Well, all we do tonight is weed out the fiends.  
  
Squall: Joy. Any tough ones?  
  
Yuna: [shakes head in disappointment] No... and I really wanted to bust a cap in some serious ass.  
  
[Squall raises an eyebrow at this, but nothing more]  
  
Squall: I have an idea. Why don't we--  
  
Yuna: Split up?   
  
Squall: Yeah. You go your way and--  
  
Yuna: I'll go mine. Or You go yours. You get it.  
  
Squall: Great. Meet you at 2300.  
  
Yuna: [blank stare]  
  
Squall: [rolls eyes] That'll be 11.00 pm to you folks.  
  
Yuna: 'k. Later.  
  
***  
  
[Somewhere above the ruin, there is a small aircraft of some kind. And inside, there is a girl squealing. A squeal that only a pink-encrusted blondie can do. And not Aeris. Cuz she's not blonde. Aeris isn't blonde. ANYWAY, She sits in front of a tracking monitor, and it is trained on Squall as he does his menial job.]  
  
Leblanc: HOLY COW! IT'S SQUALL! I CAN ADD HIM TO MY BISH COLLECTION! THOSE TWERPS AT POCKET BISHONEN WILL HAVE NUTHIN ON ME!! ....Oh, too bad my two SLAVES are on vacation. They always did the work for me. Oh well. It can't be THAT hard, can it?  
  
***  
  
[Back to Squall. He is, at the moment, resting against a boulder. Bored out of his mind. Wishing for a challenge. And as you know how this cliché goes, he's about to get MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR.]  
  
Squall: I shouldn't be saying this, but I wish there was something a BIT more my level. Just a bit. Is that too much to ask?   
  
[A spotlight suddenly shines into his eyes. And he is face to face with Leblanc!]  
  
Leblanc: So... this is Squall. PREPARE TO BE SQUEEZED TO DEATH.  
  
[A long, mechanical arm snakes out and catches Squall before he could retreat.]  
  
Squall: [sigh] Lemme guess. A crazed Leonhart fan girl?  
  
Leblanc: [gasp] *shock* How did you KNOW?  
  
Squall: [perfect imitation] "PREPARE TO BE SQUEEZED TO DEATH." C'mon. What are you, a fucking Care Bear? Strawberry Shortcake and that little PINK kitty? You make me sick, and I'm going to make SO short a work of you, I'll need to repeat the act of kicking your ass to make SURE I give you a good beating.  
  
Leblanc: Damn wordy. "Few Words," my ass.  
  
Yuna: WAH!  
  
Squall: Da fuck was that?  
  
Leblanc: I know that battle cry, it's--  
  
////YUNA! And she's flipping through the air, on her way to rescue the handsome Squall Leonhart! What an awesome culture shock, folks. Usually, it's the other way around. YOU GO, GIRL! Oh, look, she's taking out the guns, and I don't mean her breasts, you chauvinist pigs! Oh, what? SHE'S AIMMING AT M--  
  
[CRACK! Rikku's Audio Recorder is no more.]  
  
Yuna: Rikku. I warned you.  
  
Paine: NICE SHOT!  
  
Rikku: Erm, she could've blown my head off.  
  
Squall: Oh, Lord, the Odd Squad. SHOOT AT THE PINK BLONDE STUPID!  
  
Yuna: SHUT UP. I'm trying to rescue you.  
  
Squall: *indignant* I DON'T NEED RESCUING.  
  
Yuna: That's hard to believe, what with you tossled up lika turkey like that.  
  
Squall: TUSSLED. If you're gonna insult me, do it RIGHT.  
  
Yuna: Shut the--  
  
[Yuna is blasted away with a photon blast from the aircraft.]  
  
Leblanc :She talks too much, doncha agree?   
  
[The aircraft slowly lets itself down to the ground. Out steps Leblanc, carrying a little red-and-white ball]  
  
Squall: Er...Pokeball?  
  
Leblanc: NO, YOU FOOL. Er, wait... wrong item.   
  
[ she quickly returns to the craft, muttering about how hard it is to keep everything straight. For the second time she steps out, carrying--]  
  
Leblanc: AN EMPTY SPHERE. And this isn't for clothes. It's for trapping people. Forever. Like you.  
  
[She walks closer to Squall, trapped, helpless Squall. He glares and prepares to spit on her.]  
  
Leblanc: Ah, I better do this quick and you lose all dignity and your value will drop to the floor. But there's one thing I gotta tell you, Squall. Do you know, when you and Paine stand next to each other, that --  
  
Rikku: DON'T SAY IT!  
  
Leblanc:--SHUT UP! I'm trying to make a point! As I was saying, Squally--  
  
Squall: DON'T CALL ME SQUALLY, YOU PLATINUM BITCH!  
  
Leblanc: How rude. SHUT UP. STOP INTERUPPTING ME. Gee, it's hard to keep people in line when you're by yourself. I wish my two minions were here.  
  
Squall: Hire one. His name's Almasy. Seifer Almasy.  
  
Leblanc: *tantrum* SHUT IT!   
  
[crickets]  
  
Leblanc: I'll just say it, without all the flair. SQUALL, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE PAINE! MYAA HA HA HA HA!  
  
Paine: *rage* That TEARS IT!!  
  
[Paine does a way COOLER battle cry than Yuna's and charges. With one flick of her sword, she frees Squall, sends Leblanc into orbit, and destroys the aircraft. The attack looked eerily similar to "Fated Circle," but no one DARES mention it.]  
  
Squall: Erm... thanks.  
  
Paine: [scoff] ...Whatever.  
  
Squall: .......  
  
[Yuna, who just recovered from the photon blast, chuckles at this exchange.]  
  
***  
  
////It's uh, 11.20. Finally, the work is done and it is time for Squall to go on home. But without saying good-bye, I hope.  
  
Yuna: You got that thing FIXED?  
  
Rikku: You forget. I'm good with machines.  
  
Yuna: YOU ARE BUYING ME AMMUNITION.  
  
Rikku: *daft* Why?  
  
Yuna: Cuz, I'm gonna SHOOT that thing an awful lot!  
  
[Squall chuckles]  
  
Yuna: *irritated* and what are YOU laughing at?  
  
Squall: My rescuer.  
  
Rikku: [points to Paine, standing next to her] She's over here.  
  
Squall: It's called a JOKE.  
  
Rikku: It's not funny when you joke. Paine tries, but she's bad at it, too.  
  
[Paine slugs her. You know why.]  
  
Squall: [to Yuna] .... Uh, I guess she's sore about our, uh... [whisper] resemblances, I guess?  
  
Yuna: [sigh] That's all everyone talks about. She practically lives in your shadow.  
  
Squall: Aw... sad.  
  
Yuna: Yea, well, what can you do?   
  
[Rikku gets up, covering her black eye.]  
  
Rikku: So... what's the moral of this story?  
  
Else: What?  
  
Rikku: You know... two people meet, with opposing views, and they learn something GOOD about the encounter. So? Come on...  
  
[Yuna and Squall glance at each other]  
  
Yuna: Huh. I learned that SeeDs are weak.  
  
Squall: And I learned that you Spira Mercenaries are clumsy oafs. PAINE had to save me.  
  
Paine: [glare] But I'M a Spira Mercenary, too!  
  
Rikku: *upset* NO NO NO! You were supposed to say, "Gee, you were SO above the original opinion I had of you!"  
  
Yuna: [rolls eyes] PLEASE.   
  
Squall: [ditto] NO ONE comes to those conclusions in real life.  
  
Rikku: Wakka did, him and the Al Bhed. ...  
  
Paine: YOU MENTIONED WAKKA!  
  
[Paine slugs her. Again]  
  
Yuna: THAT was uncalled for!  
  
Squall: [laughs] Well, it's getting late. I better get going.   
  
Paine: This reminds me. How DID you get here so fast? How ARE you going to get home?  
  
Squall: I said Don't Ask.  
  
[Squall ducks behind several bushes, and without a moment's hesitation, Yuna and Paine follow. Upon intruding, they see a glowing green disk at Squall's feet. They caught him just before he "teleported." The two girls fall to the floor in fits of laughter.]  
  
Yuna: OH. MY. GOD.   
  
Paine: YOU'RE RIPPING OFF "THE LEGEND OF DRAGOON"!  
  
[In two seconds, Squall was gone, leaving the two girls with a memory of him glaring]  
  
Yuna: [gasping for breath] Ha... Ha... that was too funny.  
  
Paine: I know...  
  
Yuna: You... know... he.... wasn't so bad.  
  
Paine: [chokes] WH...AT?  
  
Yuna: [poker face] I think I'm in love.  
  
[crickets]  
  
Yuna: ....... GOTCHA! I Kid. [laughs]  
  
Paine: [grin] Oh, you didn't fool me. You can't get over Tidus to function properly in a relationship, anyway.  
  
Yuna: [abruptly stops laughing] That wasn't funny.  
  
***  
  
Squall: Damn fuckin' Committee I SO want a raise after this. Sending me for menial jobs and I nearly get mugged.   
  
[Squall "teleports" back to his dorm room. Only to find Zell Dincht, laying on his bed wearing nothing but the same thong that hung from his nose hours before.]  
  
Squall: HOLY SHIVA!  
  
Zell: Ain't that "shit"?  
  
Squall: *exasperated* WHAT do you want?  
  
Zell: Wink, wink. [Winks]  
  
Squall: Kill me now.  
  
Zell: Hey, weren't you giving me hints? I mean, your skinniest thong on my NOSE. Classic.  
  
Squall: *puzzled* It is?  
  
Zell: I thought you were going to DUMP Riona.   
  
Squall: Yea, bu--  
  
Zell: This is your reminder. Break up with her.  
  
Squall: THAT'S NOT THE POINT. --!!mmm!!  
  
[Zell had just gotten up and kissed Squall passionately and full on the lips. Tongue and all]  
  
Squall: .... Get out.  
  
Zell: [grin] C'mon.  
  
Squall: I... mean it. Get out.  
  
[Zell Dincht, being the tease he is, slowly begins to draw Squall to bed.]  
  
Squall: [very weak voice] I'm warning you...  
  
[Zell gets tossed out of the dorm again, but a GOOD five hours later. But that's another story...]  
  
FiN (for now...)  
  
  
  
  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES///  
  
I was sure you were wondering, so...here they are. Why do I feel naked?  
  
To save up space, I only pointed out the befuddling and/or less obvious. If you STILL completely miss some of the ones not listed here, contact me and I'll be all too happy to explain. [cough]*hopeless*[cough]  
  
-----  
  
{  
  
Paine: I heard that the SeeDs of Balamb have full-length mirrors in their dorm rooms. What the hell would you need all that glass for?  
  
Rikku: I'm sure it's for all the shiny buttons and thingamadoos they got in their uniforms.  
  
Yuna: [to no one in particular] I'm sure you've just read that somewhere.  
  
}  
  
That's the allusion to a yaoi[ZellxSquall] fic titled "Silver and Gold" that mentions full length mirrors. It's by Tenshi no Korin, and you can read it here: http://www.black-waltz.net/noiresensus/ff8/silverandgold.html  
  
You'll need it to get back in touch with reality ;)  
  
-----  
  
{  
  
Yuna: [shakes head in disappointment] No... and I really wanted to bust a cap in some serious ass.  
  
[Squall raises an eyebrow at this, but nothing more]  
  
}  
  
This is interesting. PSM did one of those cute captions, and there was this word bubble, next to Yuna, that said something like this: "I only do two things: Cast Spells and bust Caps in Sucka's Asses. And I'm all out of Magic Points..."  
  
-----  
  
{  
  
:HOLY COW! IT'S SQUALL! I CAN ADD HIM TO MY BISH COLLECTION! THOSE TWERPS AT POCKET BISHONEN WILL HAVE NUTHIN ON ME!!  
  
}  
  
http://www.pocket-bishonen.com That's ALL I hafta say. (Or is it ".net" ?)  
  
-----  
  
{  
  
Yuna: Rikku. I warned you.  
  
Paine: NICE SHOT!  
  
Rikku: Erm, she could've blown my head off.  
  
Squall: Oh, Lord, the Odd Squad.  
  
}  
  
MadMag did a parody of the "Mod Squad." They called it the "Odd Squad." This isn't Plagiarism, is it?  
  
-----  
  
{  
  
Yuna: [sigh] That's all everyone talks about. She practically lives in your shadow.  
  
Squall: Aw... sad.  
  
Yuna: Yea, well, what can you do?   
  
}  
  
In FFX, both Tidus and Yuna lived in their father's shadow...  
  
-----  
  
{  
  
Paine: [grin] Oh, you didn't fool me. You can't get over Tidus to function properly in a relationship, anyway.  
  
}  
  
I think that Yuna trying to find Tidus was a stupid excuse for a sequel...  
  
-----  
  
QUESTIONS?  
  
Read before you review with something inane. ^^;;  
  
-----  
  
::What's with the Aeris bashing?  
  
::--What bashing? CAMEO. But let's face it. Not EVERYONE lieks Aeris. Cater to all, folks.  
  
::Fine. What's with the WAKKA bashing?  
  
::--Hee ^^ I don't like Wakka that much.   
  
::Why did you use an LoD reference?  
  
::--I was too lazy to create a feasible mean of transportation for Squall. ^^;; But I bet YOU didn't know that. No, uhm, seriously: there was talk of LoD, saying that it ripped off FF, but what happened if it was the other way around? Yeah. Gotcha.  
  
::Why da hell some of the characters keep poppin up like?  
  
:::--Why da HELL when we move our little Cloud, or Tidus, or Squall, or Dart around them little BATTLES keep poppin up like? I feel your frustration. Did I illustrate that well?  
  
Uhm, that's it. R + R, then R+R. You must be traumatized. ;D 


End file.
